You Do not Deserve me

Heartbreak after heart break, tear after tear, scream after scream , I still manage to stand strong and tough. i still manage to see the bright side in things. Sometimes I wish i was not capable of always being positive. Sometimes I wish I could lash out and just loose it and not have people worry about me. Especially when it is necessary.
 I just do not understand how someone could honestly stab me in the back the way people have done to me. I am honestly the nicest most loyal person ever. I am true to my friends and those i consider to be more than that or have the potential to be. I just do not understand how any just person could take that small bit of kindness and take advantage of it like it means absolutely nothing.
I mean at this point in life I have high expectations of people acting like rational adults about situations that can easily be handled. Like if i am not what you want or I am not good enough tell me. Showing pure signs of disrespect is intolerable in my opinion. On the other hand it does help me develop thick skin and a wiser mentality about people. I refuse to be walked over or stepped on or used. I refuse to a convenience for anyone I have higher standards then that.
Once again, I accept an appology that is not pure or genuine or real. I accepted Satan before i opened my heart to the Lord.

Until my Prince comes

Now I am not one for sappy romances or fake fairy tales that wont come true, but I do still believe in falling in love. I believe in the butterflies in your stomach and getting all choked up inside. I believe in the love being true and pure and long lasting. I believe in feeling that your partner is willing to get to know you inside and out and truly understand the woman I am and who I am capable of becoming, I believe in that person who can be my support but not my crutch, someone I can really count on to always be there. Someone who believes in my dreams and believes in creating new ones. I believe in waking up to the most perfect smile God ever created every morning for the rest of life. I believe in getting married and always remembering the value and the honest true meaning of the word. I believe in sharing a child with him. I believe in raising our offspring side-by-side, spending every waking moment with our children, a boy or girl. until they are old enough to take care of themselves. I believe in seeing each other growing old and never truly losing the love that brought us together in the first place. I believe in writing and creating our own memories and making sure that thy will not be forgotten. That the story of our love will be passed on to our children so the feeling never dies. And when the day comes that God calls us to him, I still believe being put to rest 6 feet under right near your resting place.


I WILL BE WAITING UNTIL MY PRINCE COMES

Senior Year of College/ Summer bucket List

With College coming to an end swiftly I have a few things I want to do and begin to take seriously:

• Internship: I know this is going to be very important for my career, but more importantly I want to begin to gain more experience in my field of work. I want to find one that pays and also one that I can eventually turn into a full time job.
•  redecorate my dorm
• Save money
• 
  

Memory Lane

A trip that one does not dare venture to. It's the trip that makes you either regret decisions or become a stronger person. In my case i have a tendency to remember key people in my life who really changed my outlook on life. Those people could be good friends or they could be guys that you try to forget about. But there is always that one that will always be in your heart no matter what the future may bring. In your mind you know that you two have been through a lot and that at one point in time he meant the world to you. But that point in your own personal history was meant to remain in the past, during a time when you were naive and really trying to find your way. But then you remember that, the reason you forgot about them.

Only Time Can Tell

Over the past few weeks, I've had time to think and consider a lot of alternatives to my personal love life. For years, I always thought I needed someone to be there for me, to love me, to cherish me, but those fairy tales only happen in the movies and will never be reality, at least not for me.

I have dreams of getting married and having children. I have every detail right down to the exact color of my dress in mind. The only problem is I have no idea who will step up, be a man and fill the largest position in my dreams.

I set my expectations high for a reason. I want my guy to be just as ambitious and set for life as I am. I dont want to be picky and I do not want to him to worry about financial stability or anything except taking care of me and his children. How hard is that to find?

Slavery and my history

After paying a lot of attention in my Western Civilization class I have a lot of follow up questions. Today we discussed the civil war and it's impact on American culture, history, and pretty much the roles that everyone played. From the notes that I took today I have broken these people into four different categories:

• ABOLITIONISTS
• NORTHERNERS
• SOUTHERNERS 
• SLAVES

The Abolitionists to my understanding were very vocal in the North, they were able to recognize a violation of American Principle. However, they were strictly for freedom not necessarily Equality.

Northerners were the bulk of the Union, they believed that the abolitionists were radical in their thinking. Southerners feared the Abolitionists, they were scared at the fact the abolitionists would encourage an uproar or rebellion of the slaves. Southerners were gaining riches off the Slaves. Which brings me to my next point. The Slaves, for the majority amount of people living in the south, the possessed the least amount of power. 

Naturally before the Civil War even transpired, the American Revolution led to the adaption of the Declaration of Independence. The very first line of this document will read, "All men are created Equal". Unfortunately, this line did not apply to the African slaves or Native Americans. With the xenophobic (fear of new people) embedded in the mindset of the white men, Slavery was a hot topic for debate once the Civil War erupted. 

How did my ancestors survive this? Did they try to flee and if so to which state?

With such harsh conditions that my ancestors and many African-Americans like mine had to endure for such a long period of time, how did they manage. Of course, the obvious answer would be, by simply obeying the rules. My Grandfather is from Mississippi, which is the centerfold of the most aggressive methods of slavery and Jim crow laws, still makes me beg the question, how did the people who came before him learn to live through such torment and torture with such hope in their hearts. 

Its Almost time

16 years ago I'd give anything to have a ball in my hand and shoot hoops. Now its become more of an "unwanted Christmas gift" as my ethics teacher would put it. I used to love throwing on a pair of basketball shorts and shoes and playing a game or two with the neighbor hood children or my family members.

I remember the way my dad used to push me and drag me to every practice up until I became old enough to take myself. I remember how much I did not want to go, not knowing where it would take me. I even remember the look on my parents faces when I told them I had recieved a full ride scholarship to play college basketball. Unfortunately, all of my enthusiasm has some how faded and this sport has turned into more of a dreaded chore. I have forgotten how to love it. I have forgotten how to gain my confidence back. I have forgotten why it used to make me smile. Have I out grown it? Or have I forgotten who I am?

seems as if every game, every practice this year alone has been either days that I honestly want to forget. I honestly thought I was growing closer to my team when in fact I feel like the outcast. The outcast in my own doubts, confusion, lack of confidence, and lack of heart.

Once upon a time, I had huge dreams of becoming an all-star, of playing against the best, of being the BEST. Some how I have forgotten what that feels like or better yet, what that actually means. When I was at home I used to stare at my trophies all day and reminise on how great I played and how I contributed to winning that award. Those days have gone away and so has my spirit.

Maybe it is best to leave my past behind me.